The love-hate paradox

Well, so after quite a break, I end up clearing some of the "Under Construction" haze surrounding this blog. It's been a long time, yes, since I happened to glance this way but it's been a general lack of resolution more than anything else... Much has happened in the meantime...

To lend some serious thought (and that does happen once in a while with me), what do you do when you find yourself in a love-hate paradox. What do you do when in some dark recess of yourself, you find lurking, a certain strange emotion, hugely revolting to all the better senses, operating with a mind of its own... not allowing you the luxury of voluntary control. Trains of thought occupy rails forsaken for brief disturbed periods before you pull them back onto the right track. Its almost like a Hyde living somewhere in a corner of your mind, at constant war with your Jekyll-ian "medical philanthropy", and which despite your best efforts refuses to move out. It rears up its head in short pulsating moments of emotional conflict, moments that are later reflected upon with anguished regret... What hurts is the lack of voluntary control to crush it before it even gathers root...

Particulars are something I avoid where I need to...